The Real Ms. America

Official Disclaimer: If you are involved in beauty pageants (or scholarship pageants), I am in no way making fun of or condemning them or you. I am, however, making a push for a real pageant...one that celebrates a woman not for how she looks, talks, walks, or twirls, but for who she is and how she looks on a Saturday morning with with her comfy pants on and no makeup, standing in front of her waffle iron while making a "hungry man's" breakfast. I believe that any beauty queen would agree with me that how those women look on the stage is much different from how they look any other given day. (I do believe that's the most official thing I've ever put on this blog.)

So...Netflix has recently added quite a few new TV shows to its instant streaming selection. Since we don't have cable and don't partake in the whole reality TV trend, I started watching a few different shows to see what all the fuss is about. So far I've really enjoyed "Hoarders" (mainly because of the motivation it's given me to clean out the clutter)...some of the others I've just sat there and stared at the screen and wondered, "Are these people real?" Last night and this morning I watched two episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras". Holy freakin' moley. Please understand, I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. I went through a little "pageant" phase in my teens...mainly to find that it was an area I DID NOT belong. (Although I would like to add that I was the 1999 Miss Teen Firecracker....mainly because I was one of two my age group and wore a red dress...it was a Fourth of July themed pageant; you'd think the other girl would have thought of that.)

As I watch these young girls (and their mothers), I cringe at how they are missing the mark of what a real woman is. Granted, I'm still trying to lose weight after having Lane and I'm also struggling with trying to juggle work, home, baby, husband, church, friends, and...somewhere I'd like a slot of time for myself, and maybe I'm a little touchy when it comes to who we women are "supposed" to be. So...I decided that I'm going to start promoting a new kind of beauty pageant. One where there will be a whole heck of a lot more winners and a whole ton of beauty...beauty that doesn't fade when the bright lights are turned off. Below are the requirements for the traditional Ms. America pageant. Underneath that you'll find my requirements and guidelines. I'll be accepting applications Nov. 1.

Miss America Contestant Rules: (per this website)

• Be between the ages of 17 and 24.
• Be a United States citizen.
• Meet residency requirements for competing in a certain town or state.
• Meet character criteria as set forth by the Miss America Organization.
• Be in reasonably good health to meet the job requirements.
• Be able to meet the time commitment and job responsibilities as set forth by the local program in which you compete.

Ms. American Contestant Rules: (per this website)

• The Ms. American Pageant is for women 26 years of age and up.
• Single, Married, Divorced, with or without children.
  

The Real American Woman Contestant Rules:

• The Real American Woman (RAW) must be breathing. Age does not play a factor in this pageant.
• The RAW must meet character criteria as set forth by who she believes she ought to be. She laughs in the face of guilt trips and puts her family's needs and well being above all else. Walking around the house naked in search of a clean bra is in no way prohibited.
  
• She may or may not have children, may or may not be married, and may or may not still be living at home. She may or may not have a formal education, may or may not receive a paycheck each (or every other) week, and may or may not stay at home with her children.
• If she does have children, she must have given birth naturally. "Naturally" is defined as: She brought a child into her home, she gave it love, food, attention, clothing, and most importantly, every fiber of her heart.
• She must have the time required to devote to her platform (aka family). She must work tirelessly (read: work her tail off) to provide a clean home for her family, good balanced meals, clean clothes, and a tidy living room. She must also have days that require "making a path" through the house, drive-thru meals, plucking clothes from the clean pile on the kitchen table, as well as outfit changes for the children after they have "swept the floor" using their very own bodies. She goes to bed exhausted and wakes up tired. She values the five minutes found in the bathroom because they are quiet minutes.
  
• The RAW values her family and puts them above most everything else. She will get frustrated with her children, but will transform into an animal if someone threatens them. She may get irritated with her husband, but will stand behind her man, will defend him, fight for him, push him, and pray for him. If you become a threat to her family, she will Bring. You. Down.
  

The RAW Talent Portion:

• The RAW has many talents as well as many areas in need of improvement. Talents may be various styles of performing, cooking, creating, publishing, hospitality, or burning toast. She will perform her talents everyday of the competition when judges are watching as well as when no one in the world is watching.
• The RAW strives for every goal but misses the mark often. She knows that she's not perfect in others' standards, but she is perfect in her Lord's. She forgets doctor's appointments, burns rice, and lets the load in the washer go sour.

The RAW Swimsuit Portion:

• The RAW will walk the stage in a one piece swimsuit. Although she may normally be a two-piecer (and there's nothing wrong with that), she will don a one-piece in order to not intimidate the everyday one-piecers. And she will be happy to do so. Shorts or skirts worn over swimsuits are allowed and will not be looked down upon. Please note: Cellulite is not mandatory, but will be awarded with extra points. Stretch marks must be present. Whether found on butts, legs, boobs, or waistlines, they must be found on the body. Jiggly bits will also be rewarded.
  

Evening Wear Attire:

• Evening wear attire will be whatever formal or semi formal dress that fits. Bridesmaid dresses, consignment store finds, borrowed dresses, or the dress in the back of the closet that still kinda fits are all acceptable options. The RAW can also wear anything that makes her feel special. This includes big earrings, the perfect pair of jeans, the shirt that doesn't cling, or the bra that works wonders. Since pageants are supposed to be about building confidence, the RAW's evening wear attire will do just that.
  

Entry Fee:

• The RAW pays her entry fee each and every day. She gives every fiber of her being, every minute of her day (excluding the five in the restroom), and every shred of her energy.
  

Pageant Date and Time:

• The RAW pageant occurs when the RAW needs it most. This will most likely be on a monthly basis and may or may not occur during an emotional low (with crying session taking place). At this time the RAW will remember her requirements as stated above, crown herself as the winner, clean her face with a wet washcloth, smile in the mirror, and say, "I'd like to thank all of those that have made this possible. Thank you, God, for making me who YOU want me to be. Thank you for making me beautiful in Your eyes." Upon finalizing her speech, she will wave to herself in the mirror and start another load of laundry.